Fanfare
by the female apophis
Summary: Madrigal Dinners. Great food, good entertainment...what more could thou askith for?


Fanfare

By: the female apophis

Disclaimer: Have you ever stopped to think what it would be like if I *did* own them?

Rating: PG-13, just to be on the absolute safe side.

Pairings: there's a mention of stuff, but it's gonna be UST.

Summary: Madrigal Dinners! Good food, great songs, what else could thou askith for?

Type: Humor/SLIGHT romance.

Archive: as long as thou ask first, yes.

Songs: oh, you can bet your sweet rump on it!

Other Stuff: it may actually show up this time!

A/N: we're doing Madrigal Dinners right now in Concert Chorus, and this idea came to me one night. Hope you like it!

********************

"So, Carter, feel like joining us tonight?"

"I can't sir. I've got some stuff to do tonight that I can't get out of."

"I see. Well, have fun."

"Yes sir, I will. You guys have fun too!"

As the guys quietly left the room, she couldn't help but breathe a silent sigh of relief.

She didn't want them to find out exactly what it was she was doing.

***

"Are you sure this is a good idea Daniel?"

"It'll be fun Jack, I promise. I've been to these kinds of things before. They've always been really fun. I mean, good food, great entertainment, and you may get to see some other really cool stuff. The Jester is always hilarious..."

"Well, what do we have to lose then?"

"It would appear not much is at stake here O'Neill." Teal'c stated, cocking his eyebrow slightly.

"Then, onward with us!"

***

"Alright folks, you've got five minutes to be ready and on stage. Ronnie, Sam, let's go, you're on in two."

The duet rolled their eyes at each other before heading out to the hall.

"Well, good luck Ronnie."

"You too."

He winked at her before turning his mike on and strolling out into the hall.

Sam was briefly able to make out the smell of cinnamon and food before the doors swung shut again.

"Wes hale, my good lords and ladies fair...Trumpets, blow thy clarion call. And Singers, hie thee to the hall."

Before Jack had the time to process the words, he heard this beautiful voice emitting from the entrance that the Jester had just come from.

__

Masters in this hall  
Hear ye news today  
Brought from over sea  
And ever you I pray

The chorus then began to fill in, singing the verse.

__

Nowell, nowell, nowell  
Nowell sing we clear  
Holpen are all folk on earth  
Born is God's son so dear  
Nowell, nowell, nowell  
Nowell sing we loud  
God today hath poor folk raised  
And cast a down the proud

He wasn't concerned with the chorus. He was still trying to understand why Carter was standing there, singing the lyrics at the top of her lungs.

__

Then to Bethle'm town  
We went two by two  
And in a sorry place  
Heard the oxen low

The chorus was repeated again.

__

There in did we see a  
Sweet and goodly May  
And a fair old man  
Up on the straw she lay

Again, the chorus was repeated.

__

And a little child  
On her arm had she  
"Wot ye who this is?"  
Said the hinds to me

The chorus was repeated for a fourth time. But by this time, Jack was so enthralled in Sam, he hardly noticed.

__

This is Christ the lord  
Masters be ye glad  
Christmas is come in  
And no folk should be sad

With that, the chorus was sung one last time, allowing the last of the group to sit down.

The Jester than proceeded to stand up and state "By command of our Sovereign Majesty, the castle shall be decorated by the hanging of the greens for the evenings festivities."

The chorus started up with a rendition of Deck the Halls while a group of high school aged students placed garland around the hall.

Jack couldn't help but watch Sam during all of this. Her hair was slightly spiked, making her look incredibly sexy. In the soft light, her eyes seemed to sparkle. Her dress, a loose fitting blue dress with a black vest that laced up to the top completed the look. She also appeared to be wearing no shoes.

The Jester, wearing a satin suit of blue, green, red and gold diamonds, looked quite goofy. His feet were covered in shoes of the same color of his outfit, while the hat with it three spikes completed the look.

"As our hall has been filled with greens and holly, I beg ye my good singers to fill this place with another lively tune, for our royal Majesty will soon be in our presence. Sing in their honor something festive befitting this joyous occasion."

The chorus started up with something that sounded just like it had come out of the Renaissance era; probably did for that matter.

"Troubadours, thy joyous sounds have guided our royal hosts to the banquet hall. Now, noble guests, we must prepare for our gracious Lord and Lady. As they proceed by thy place, bow thus." He leaned over, doing an incredibly overdone bow. However, Sam ran up behind him and kicked him in the butt, causing him to tumble. Standing back up rather quickly, he beckoned for her to follow him, which she did without question. "In honor of their Sovereign Majesty, remain standing until ye are given leave to sit." Sam quickly forced him to sit on his stool.

The brass choir in the back corner began a song, allowing the King and Queen to enter.

The King was done up in a simple green tunic, which fell to his knee. Black velvet stockings and a pair of dark green shoes. He wore a gold crown on top of his head.

The queen was dressed beautifully in a cream crushed velvet dress, which reached to the floor, a slight train behind it. She also wore a cape of the same material, which was tied to her neck by a thin, silver chain. She wore a diamond-studded crown, along with a long, beautiful diamond necklace.

As they reached their chairs, the king turned to the hall before speaking in a heavy English accent.

"Friends and neighbors, waifs, noblemen, noble ladies, noble children; it is my happy responsibility to welcome ye to this festive evening during which we will enjoy the pageantry and gaiety, the feasting and music with which Christmas has been celebrated in our homes in England for hundreds of years."

"Lords, Ladies, and Noble Guests! I bid ye welcome to this hall, which, by my command, has been fitted for an evening of feasting and singing for the general merriment of all. May our evening of festivity recall the blessed event of the Christmas which joins us all as men of good will."

The queen then bowed her head slightly towards the king, allowing him to continue.

"The great Yule Logs have been brought in from the cold outside, the fires have been lighted, the tables are set, and soon food, drink and entertainment will be provided for you."

The queen straightened her back, making herself look incredibly tall all of a sudden.

"During most of the year the candle provides us with a little more than flickering, if somewhat romantic light." She stepped closer to the king, causing him to cough slightly and step away. "It is said that for Christians who place candles in their windows and on their tables and Christmas trees, the lighted candle becomes a symbol of the Christ Child himself, the Babe who grew to be the Light of the World."

"Page! Bring forth the Christmas taper! Let us fill this great hall with the light of joy, friendship, and goodwill for all."

The brass choir again played a song, allowing the pages to come with their lighted candles to light the various candelabras around the room.

The king nodded as they finished, and then spoke these words, "Honored guests, we invite ye to join us in the ancient ceremony of candle lighting."

"My Lords and Ladies, now light the candle at your table. May it radiate a blessing to each one here."

Jack picked up the match that lay on their table, lighting the centerpiece for those around him.

From somewhere nearby, the sounds of a recorder were heard playing a song. But he was unable to recognize the tune.

Watching as the others turned back to the queen, he tuned in for what she had to say.

"My noble people, my heart is warmed by your gracious devotion. And now, let the festivities continue."

"Let us have the Wassail bowl, so that we may wet our lips, warm our hearts, and offer our toasts!"

The chorus started up then with a song he had never heard before.

__

Wassail, wassail, all over the town  
Our toast it is white  
And our ale it is brown  
Our bowl it is made of the maypoly tree  
With the wassailing bowl  
We'll drink to thee

Drink to thee  
Drink to thee  
With the wassailing bowl  
We'll drink to thee

Several more verses followed, causing a few laughs among the audience.

One of the men in the choir stood up, his black tunic offsetting his pale skin.

"Lords and ladies, our gracious host, bids ye raise for this Wassail Toast." He gestured out to the audience. "Lords of the kingdom, by Christmas, and the Lady of the castle, hear my toast. Drink it well, here then I bid ye all Wassail. Down with him who will not say 'Drink Hail!'"

Another man, this one dressed in gold, stood up to say "And so together let us raise our cups and quaff it down DRINK HAIL!"

The audience and choir all shouted, DRINK HAIL in return.

A woman, no older than twenty-five stood up, dressed in a dark red dress. "A toast to our Queen, the glory of our land. May health and happiness attend you, and may every joy of the season be yours! DRINK HAIL!"

"DRINK HAIL!"

A man dressed in a gray and gold tunic stood, lifting his head up high before stating "A toast to the ladies in this hall. To them, who are the quiet strength of our lives. The rarest flowers of our courts, and the highest inspiration of our lives. A toast to you all, our beloved ladies! DRINK HAIL!"

"DRINK HAIL!"

"To the good health and good spirits of all gathered here; to good tidings of great joy. DRINK HAIL!" the king's voice rang through the hall.

Next the queen gave her toast. "To peace on the whole earth and good will among all men. DRINK HAIL!"

"DRINK HAIL!"

"Lord! I have a toast."

"Go ahead."

"Thank you my lord. By Christmas and by my good Lady, here my toast. A toast! A toast...uh...to the Music Center's spring musical Bye Bye Birdie!"

There was slight pause before everyone shouted DRINK HAIL again.

"Thank you my dear friends for your kind wishes and touching affections. NOW, let the feasting begin, for we have smelled the wondrous aromas the whole day long, and have grown ravenously hungry. Now, all gathered here join our singers in delivering the blessing in song. Court musician, what be our tune of blessing?"

"Noble Lady, one favored by you, our gracious Queen, the Old 100th." The woman responded. She was dressed in a deep purple dress with a cream headpiece.

As the words to Doxology began, many of the audience members joined in the singing.

__

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.  
Praise him all creatures here below.  
Praise him above ye heavenly host.  
Praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.  
Amen.

"Be seated if it pleases you lords and ladies."

All sat at the queens words.

The king tapped his goblet before stating "Behold the first remove!"

As the soup was served, the queen stood again, and gestured towards the Jester to come forward.

"So that good order and propriety may be maintained on the eve, I command my Lord to remind you of the Rules of Etiquette which are observed by all at this court on such festive occasions."

She handed a rather large scroll to the Jester, which he opened and began to read.

"Guests must have clean nails or else they will disgust their table companions. Guests must avoid quarreling and making grimaces with other guests. Guests must not stuff their mouths. The glutton who eats with haste, if he is addressed, rarely answers thee. Guests should not pick their teeth at the table with a knife, straw or stick. Guests must not tell unseemly tales at the table, nor soil the cloth with their knife, nor rest their legs upon the table. Guest must never leave bones on the table..."

"Always stick them under your chairs!" Sam exclaimed from the other side of the room.

"Guests must not lean on the table with their elbows, nor dip their thumbs in their drink. Guests must retain their knives, or they shall be forced to grub with their fingers. Oh, yes, in honor of our guests, we have allowed a most barbarous implement from your time into ours-the fork!"

At this, several members of the choir gasped before he handed the scroll back to the queen.

She stood up and recited the following words. "My lords and ladies, lest it all seem too grim, remember the tradition of the salt." She then proceeded to walk down the steps towards the tables. "All lords at each table become keepers of the salt. Any ladies requesting the salt, must pay the keeper thusly." She bent over and kissed a bald man on his head, causing him to blush deeply.

"Come now! Be not shy!" The Jester was heard saying.

As soon as he caught a glimpse of Sam, he immediately began to chase her.

"My Lady, would you care for a bit of salt? My Lady! Please, it's just a bit of salt!"

As she stopped, she bent over with her lips puckered, but he ran past her, continuing to run in circles. She immediately grabbed him and planted one on him. Several cheers were heard going up in the choir.

Suddenly, the sounds of Shepherds Rejoice were heard filling the air.

__

Shepherds rejoice on this day with bagpiping and drumming.

The song was quickly followed by several solos and duets, including O Holy Night, O Come O Come Emmanuel, Blessed Be That Maid Mary, and a few more recorder consorts.

Some Madrigal songs followed these sung by the choir.

The king tapped his goblet suddenly, and with a shout stated "Behold! The second remove!"

As the salads were brought out, the Jester and Sam began to walk among the tables, making small talk as they went.

Jack felt more than heard Sam approaching him, her cockney accent lacing the air around him.

"Good eve me lords! How are ye on this fine winter's eve?"

"Can't complain. And how are you?"

"Me? Why, no one's ever asked me that before. I guess to most I'm nothing but a wench, but still. I can't complain." She absently picked up a fork and began to twirl it between her fingers.

"Could ye gents possibly explain the concept of this...fork to me? It still confuses me greatly."

"Of course my lady. We use them to eat with. It allows us to do so without getting our fingers messy."

"Aoh...I see. So they're kinda like a multi pronged knife?"

"That's one way at looking at it yes."

Jack couldn't be more glad that Daniel had decided to explain this to her. He probably would have made a complete ass out of himself trying.

However, he found that as Daniel and Sam continued talking, she had begun to absently play with the hair at the base of his neck, an experience he was beginning to find most enjoyable.

"MY LADY?!"

Damn that Jester...

"Yes, my darling idiot?"

"My lady, can you do this?" he questioned, doing a toe-touch.

"The question is not whether I can do it, but how much better than *you* I can do it..." She strolled over to his position before doing one perfectly.

"My lady, can you do this?" he asked again, but this time doing a cartwheel.

"In my dreams." She stated before doing a perfect one, on only one hand.

"Must have been a nightmare. My lady, can you do this?" he again questioned before doing a rather sad round off.

"What *was* that?"

"I have no idea, but can you do it?"

"At any time and in my sleep." She then proceeded to do one, and as she finished, went down into a perfect split.

"Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner!" the Jester cried before giving her a hand up.

She curtseyed before returning to her place beside Jack. Her hand just rested on his shoulder this time though.

As the Jester made his way through the crowd again, he spoke up, causing everyone to tune into what he had to say.

"Give ear my masters to a little History. According to one of our legends, way, way, way back, long ago...in the days of old Kind Ethelred, the populace of England was overrun by wild boars...big tusky beasties...reigning terror on all. So, you see, it really has nothing to do with Christmas, more of a population problem." Several chuckles were heard around the room. "See, it was necessary to have these big hunts, and at the feasts afterwards, roasted boar was served. Of course, we still have an over-abundance of boars..." he finished, looking directly at the queen as he said this.

"My poor fool, at this pace our feast will be stone cold before you're finished. Let me tell the story, CORRECTLY! It is said that long ago, a young student was studying in the quiet of Sherwood Forest, when suddenly that quiet was broken. He lowered his Aristotle to see charging at him at full tilt a mighty, wild boar. Whereat the student raised his Aristotle again, but this time to ram it sharply in the boar's jaws with the cry; _Craecum est!_ Thus, as the saying goes, he choked the savage with the sage. He brought the head back to be able to retrieve this good copy of Aristotle, and ever since, a boar's head has been born to the table accompanied by the famous Boar's Head Carol."

The brass choir started up as the pages brought a boar's head, obviously fake, but still convincing none the less.

A young lady in a pale green stood up before stating "The banquet table awaits, come, choose your fill of succulent delights."

A second woman stood up, dressed in a similar color, saying, "As you dine, our court musicians will serenade you. Our Sovereign Majesty and the Royal Court will pass among you to greet you personally."

The same young man before who had given the first wassail toast stood up, and began to sing in a rich bass voice.

__

The boar's head in hand bear I,  
Bedecked with bays and rosemary  
And I pray you my masters be merry  
Quot es tis in con vi vio.

Ca put ta pri de fer ro;  
Red dens lau des Domino.

Four more verses were sung, in which time, the main dish was brought forward.

After this one was finished up, a few more songs were sung before the Jester called out to Sam.

"My LADY?!"

"What do you bloody want now?"

"I would love for you to serenade our guests on this fine eve."

"And what exactly did you bloody well have in mind?"

"One favored by you...Ave Maria."

She blushed deeply before heading up to the piano and getting her pitch.

Jack had never heard anything more beautiful in his life. As her voice carried throughout the hall, he noticed many of the people practically stop breathing.

Her operatic voice seemed to touch something within him, something he had not felt in many years.

__

Ave Maria  
Gratia plena  
Maria, gratia plena  
Maria, gratia plena  
Ave, ave dominus  
Dominus tecum  
Benedicta tu in mulieribus  
Et benedictus   
Et benedictus fructus ventris  
Ventris tuae, Jesus.  
Ave Maria 

Ave Maria  
Mater Dei  
Ora pro nobis peccatoribus  
Ora pro nobis  
Ora, ora pro nobis peccatoribus  
Nunc et in hora mortis   
Et in hora mortis nostrae  
Et in hora mortis nostrae  
Et in hora mortis nostrae  
Ave Maria

As the last notes died away, a few seconds of pause followed before the crowd erupted in cheers.

Two men approached her, both with swords on their hips.

"I do believe this lady is mine."

"Well, I guess she's worth fighting over." The second answered. Sam just pouted at the remark.

They each drew their swords and moved to opposite ends of the room to stretch.

As they came to the ready, they yelled, the taller of the two sounding distinctly like a girl.

With a mad run they came towards each other, their swords clashed. They then began to wrestle before their swords struck against each other again.

The tall mans sword was bending, so as he stopped to fix it, the second stood with his hand resting upon the hilt.

"Let's go."

They then continued until taller 'stabbed' the second. An ear-piercing scream was heard from Sam, in which she bent over the 'slain' man, crying bitterly. As the first smacked the fallen man with his hat, he stuck his hand out to Sam.

"Do I *have* to go with you?"

"Looks like it! Let's go!"

A small round of applause issued before everyone turned back to his or her meals, chatting with their table companions.

Several more songs followed until a song was being heard coming from the brass choir.

All heads turned towards the back of the room, where the chef was seen carrying what appeared to be a flaming pan. A round of applause went up around the room.

Just before he vanished back into the kitchen, the Jester grabbed him and proudly called out, "A toast! To the chef of the evening, Lord Keith Zornowski! Thank ye for your scrumptious culinary delights!"

A trio from the choir headed to one of the back corners, a young man with a violin following closely behind.

The sounds of what appeared to be the song Snow filled the air, captivating the hearts of those in the hall.

As they finished, the Jester was found standing before the king and queen.

"My Lord, I have brought my own musical offering. Play, brass choir, while I perform a dance of utmost charm and beauty, elegance and grace." Striking a pose, he waited, while the brass choir did nothing.

"Play, brass choir, play!"

They soon started up, and the sounds of a High School Marching Band song were heard.

As Sam and the Jester did their little dance, Jack couldn't help but notice how graceful she looked, even though she was trying to look unbelievably ridiculous.

She took a running leap towards the Jester, and he was able to catch her; however, the second time, he missed, and she fell to the grown.

"My Lord! This will never do!" the queen yelled, standing up from her seated position on the throne.

"Page! Remove this knave! Away with him! Bring forth the *royal* dancers!"

"No, please, don't make me go back! I don't want to go back! NOOOOOOOOOOO!"

"See what you've done! You've gone and done it again, you blooming idiot!" Sam was heard screaming at him as she followed the pages out of the room.

The next dance didn't last very long, but was entertaining none the less.

"Well done courtly dancers. Your skill is notable. Now, my Lord, in order to become better acquainted with our noble guests, perchance let us obtain the services of the Court Inquirer?"

"Ay, my Lady. Royal Inquirer, what have ye for us this evening?" The king questioned, allowing the queen to smile briefly.

As the Jester strolled back into the room, several cries of delight were heard around the room.

"I've got something really good tonight my Lord! I think you're gonna like it!" he began to walk around the room, picking men to go stand in the front of the hall as he went.

He picked Jack last.

"Alright, this is what we're gonna do! I'm going to say something, and then he's going to repeat it, and then him, so on and so forth. Any questions? Good, then let's begin!"

"My name is Prince Charming, and I went to Paris and got a fan that goes like this." he stated, waving his arm back and forth in a 90-degree motion. All of the men were successful in doing this.

"My name is Prince Charming, and I went to Paris and got a fan that goes like this, and a pair of scissors that goes like this." He continued to wave his hand, but with the other he made a snipping motion with his index and middle finger.

All were successful except the man on the end; an older gentleman who looked like he'd had a bit too much to drink.

"My name is Prince Charming, and I went to Paris and got a fan that goes like this, a pair of scissors that goes like this, and a horse that goes like this." The fan and scissors were still there, but this time he began to bounce up and down by the knees, but his feet never left the ground.

This time, the older gentleman stated, "To hell with Prince Charming!" earning several laughs from the audience.

"My name is Prince Charming, and I went to Paris and got a fan that goes like this, a pair of scissors that goes like this, a horse that goes like this and a clock that goes CUCKOO!"

Jack was the only one among the five men who didn't screw up.

"My name is Prince Charming, and I went to Paris and met a bunch of NUTS! Let's give them a big hand!"

Applause ruptured throughout the hall, and Jack knew that Daniel and Teal'c were probably gonna give him a hard time when he got back to the table.

"That was most enjoyable O'Neill."

"Yeah, I kinda wasn't expecting you to do so well Jack."

"Spacemonkey...so help me..."

The queen interrupted him, however.

"Good folk, we bid ye rest from this feasting. Attend to the singers, and behold a delight for the ear-a *musical* feast if you will. And now, the concert!"

As the sounds of Coventry Carol filled the air, Jack leaned back and let the sound wash over him.

__

Lully, lulla, Thou little tiny Child  
By, by, lully, lullay.  
Thou little tiny Child.  
By, by, lully, lullay.

Oh sisters too  
How may we do  
For to preserve this day  
This poor Youngling  
For whom we do sing  
By, by, lully, lullay.

Herod the king, in his raging  
Charged he hath this day  
His men of might  
In his own sight  
All young children to slay

Then woe is me  
Poor Child for Thee!  
And ever morn and day  
For thy parting  
Neither say nor sing  
By, by, lully lullay.

Lully, lulla, Thou little tiny Child  
By, by, lully lullay  
Thou little tiny Child  
By, by, lully lullay.

A second song was then sung, causing Jack to feel very sleepy all of a sudden. As he glanced around the room, he noticed a similar affect on many of the other guests.

As the song ended, the king and queen both stood before he spoke.

"Good friends, as we now bid adieu, we pray our love has helped renew the joy of Christmas for each of you."

"But if our songs are now to live, within thy heart than thou must give thy love, as we have given this eve."

"For music, beauty, love you see will perish, lest you set them free, to live in others as in thee."

"So as our farewell now we sigh remember us as we will thee. Music when soft voices die vibrates in the memory."

The choir then stood, and the lyrics of Silent Night filled the air.

__

Silent Night, Holy Night  
All is calm, all is bright  
Round yon Virgin, mother and child  
Holy infant so tender and mild  
Sleep in heavenly peace  
Sleep in heavenly peace.

The last two choruses were then sung, as the last of the choir filled out, closely followed by the king and queen.

All that then remained was the Jester and Sam.

"We bid ye all retire to your abodes with sweet hopes of a bright morrow."

Sam finished with, "Until we meet again at Christmas next, we thank ye for your pleasant fellowship."

With that, they linked arms and left the room, applause marching them on as they went.

***

By the time Sam had gotten changed and ready to go, it was almost eleven o'clock.

And boy was it cold.

Rubbing her gloved fingers together, she tightened her jacket around her, picking up her pace in order to reach her car faster.

She was slightly shocked to see her CO leaning against the hood of said car.

"Sir?!"

"Carter. Nice performance."

"Thank you sir."

"Why didn't you tell us Carter?"

"It's just been my little secret for the past few years. It's a chance for me to get away from the mountain and just be me for a change. No worrying about crashing networks or being shot at. I can have fun."

"I can respect that."

"Thank you sir. So, did you enjoy yourself?" She gave a brief smile, which he gladly returned.

"I can't complain. But of course, *nothing* and I mean absolutely NOTHING can top you singing Ave Maria. Where in the hell did you learn to sing like that Sam? I was under the impression you're a second alto."

"I am a second alto. But I used to be a first soprano. That's why. I took classes when I was younger, and it came in handy here."

"So, tell me, what's the Jester like? He seems like a bit of a smart-ass."

"Ronnie? Actually, he's a sweetheart. He's just this funny guy who got the part out of sheer luck. He actually didn't want it. In try-outs, he just read the lines, and he ended up getting the part anyway."

"Just out of curiosity, did the two of you actually..."

"No sir. It was staged. There's nothing there between the two of us. Why, were you feeling jealous?" she quietly teased.

He just smirked before pushing himself off the hood.

"Good night Carter. See ya tomorrow."

"See you tomorrow...Jack."

She smiled before hoping into her car and starting it up, never catching the smile that spread across Jack's features before he jumped into his truck and drove off.

~fin~

Okay, so it's not depressing in any way shape or form! And most of this was stuff that we did at our own Madrigal Dinners. Pains in the ass that they are...

Anyway, I would love it if you reviewed.

Much love goes out to Angel Leviathan and Aligater for betaing this for me! Much love to ya girls!


End file.
